The Crazies Review

 

You ready to ruin some classics?

Congrats, Michael Bay. You rank up there with Uwe Boll. You two are like the shit stains of the movie world. You constantly find work, only to fuck up and tarnish beloved names. Bay is the lucky one who gets to fuck up all the horror classics. It's a scam, almost. They know you're going to see these remakes of classics we know and love, so that's at least going to garner some kind of movie sales. It just seems as if there is no love in these things. There is no love for the movie they direct. It's just a cluster fuck of whatever works. Any who, rant aside, let's continue.

The first thing wrong with this movie is seeing “PRODUCED BY MICHEAL BAY” at the beginning. Whoa, is it too fucking late to abort mission and get my money back? Knowing I had to review this for the loyal readers, I pressed on. First off, it shows the future outcome of the small town in the first frame of the movie. Why? That's like me showing Mufasa being killed in the first second of the Lion King. Then, it goes back two days earlier to peaceful Ogden Mills. This place is friendly! Everyone knows each other and there ain't no wrong doin' 'round these parts, boy. Until some asshole decides to waltz into a baseball game with a shotgun. The cops take for fucking ever to react. I can tell this is a very well run town. How I wish I could live in Michael Bayville! Any who, the dude, the lulzy town drunk, gets dropped for being a douche bag. Now, this peaceful town is getting stirred up and it looks as if there are more and more bizarre crimes happening.

Now, we start seeing a little explanation towards these strange crimes. Oh, did I mention there is some annoying ass big brother type thing going on in the background every now and then? Stupidddd. Apparently a huge ass military plane carrying a biological weapon (virus) crashed into their water supply and no one fucking noticed it. Even more stupid. Don't worry there are a lot of “durrrrrRRrrrR” moments in this movie. Well, now sheriff ramrod wants to shut down the drinking water, but mayor fat fuck wont let him. He's so crooked! This is all we'll see of him, so we can't really hate him. So, yeah this is when shit hits the fan and people start disappearing from Michael Bayville. It doesn't take long for the army to show up and wrangle up all the people like cattle. Sheriff Ramrods wife sets off the thermometer they're using to check people for infection, but the dumb bitch is simply pregnant. But, you know our dumb military. In fact they are so fucking dumb that this whole military quarantine is able to be thrown to a halt by a pick up truck full of red necks! WOW, WAY TO KEEP CONTROL! I know, movie, you need a way for all hell to break loose, but fuck, come on! A pickup truck?! You're telling me that the military in this movie, the same military with FUCKING FLAMETHROWERS AND MISSLE LADENED HELLICOPTERS IS BEING TERRORIZED BY A PICK UP TRUCK!?!?!!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sheriff Ramrod escapes and somehow saves his wife from this whole town full of blood thirsty monsters. Let's not go into too much detail, but there is a lot of walking and moral bullshit at this point. The movie had no clue what it wanted to be. Is it a horror movie? Is it a thriller? Is it a drama? Is it an action flick? No clue, but the whole of this movie didn't do a good job being any of those. At no point was I on the edge of my seat. At no point was my heart racing to know the outcome. I didn't even jump once! I felt no emotion towards this movie except “When the hell is it going to end?” It had some potential, I won't lie. There were a few eerie looking atmosphere scenes, but they were scarce. There was also very limited amount of time with the infected. This movie needed work. It needed a new director and a new producer. But, I'll hand it to the actors, they did well and it wasn't their fault the writing was shitty. So, The Crazies is a movie that just falls short. If you are bored, go see it matinee style, or just go see 28 days later and save a buck.

Final Score: 5/10