Redemption? House of the Dead 2

"Begins with a BANG and doesn't let up 'til the end!" - John Fallon .. Fuck you, John Fallon

 

How can you take shit and turn it into gold? Well, you can't when you take a shit storm such as the House of the Dead movie series. Okay, enough with the word shit. I don't want to look like Jim Lahey. When I heard that this sequel blew the original out of the water, I was willing to give it a chance. I regret that and I could have spent my time doing so many better things, like counting sand, or going to the dentist and having my teeth pulled out. So what makes this movie so bad?

First off the film starts off like it was some grade F college themed comedy with wild frat boys and plenty o' titties around. I was actually wondering if I had picked the wrong movie. Nope, it was the right one. Who thinks of these intros​? Eventually the movie looks more like a zombie flick as Sid Haig kills a girl and tries his new serum to bring back the dead on her. Bad move! Of course, it goes wrong and it leads to a pandemic outbreak.

Now let's meet some of our lovable cast. Alexandra 'Nightingale' Morgan is the do no harm, do the right thing, sexy, kick ass girl. A new and interesting take on the female lead character (Sarcasm alert!) Ellis, her partner, is the suave ass kicking man pig. He has a dark past as his brother was killed last week in a mission. You'll hear plenty about his brother. The characters in this film are GOD AWFUL they aren't even good enough to call two dimensional. They're one dimensional. For some reason the writers felt that every character should be a walking one liner factory. From the main characters to the leader of the fucking army! What the hell? There isn't a serious character is this sh-I mean, crap storm. Horrible characters make for horrible movies, any idiot would know this. The acting is horribad, too. How did they cast this thing? First come, first serve? It didn't seem like anyone in this film had any talent. It's either they were underacting the big “dramatic” parts or over acting over little things. The dialogue was a joke, too.

What else do we need to make bad movie soup? Stupid plot? How about plot inconsistency? You'll find plenty of that. This is one of those zombie movies where one dude can get bit and the crew has time to argue what to do with him, but somehow the next bite victim is all like “ROAR INSTA ZOMBIE.” They use the zombies as a bad plot device, tinkering with them as need be to make the plot continue without any thought that the audience could catch on. Who are they trying to fool? Like how sometimes the zombies could run, sometimes they just STOOD STILL so our heroes could bravely walk around them. Another great example is that early on a single zombie happens to bite a soldier on the way to the campus, a soldier who is being accompanied by a team of about 8 people. Yet, at the end, the two main characters literally walk right through a HUGE ASS GROUP OF ZOMBIES. THEY ARE LITERALLY TOE TO TOE WITH THESE ZOMBIES, YET THEY CAN JUST PUSH THEM OUT OF THE WAY. I'M SORRY, YOU'RE DEAD. GAME OVER. NOTHING MORE. YOU CANT EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THIS GARBAGE, BUT IT HAPPENS AND MORE THAN ONCE.

Is this better than the original? Yes, but that's not saying much. If I rated the original I would give it a 1 out of 10. This film gets a 2/10 with its horrible acting, rubbish character design, and absolutely no respect for the plot. This reminds me nothing of the games. Please, check your source material before shitting on a plate and trying to sucker loyal fans into seeing it. Do not pay for this crap, pirate it. Paying for this will only allow the directors and studio to flag the sequel. Put an end to bad movies, take my advice and do something else, like read this awesome blog! This is Josh for Cool Movie, Bro saying “IT STINKS!” in my best Jay Sherman voice.