Shutter Island Review *SPOILERS GALORE*

 

Too bad the movie didn't suck so I could of called it "Shitter Island."

Ah, the asylum film. It should be a genre of its own. How is Scorsese, one of the supposed great American directors, going to pull this one off? One thing I love about his work is how he really choreographs the music along side of the atmospheric shots, creating an ambiance that helps you to get drawn into this world before you. The ambiance is set heavily in the first bits of the movie as you are taking a journey along side Edward (Leo) into the asylum itself. The music plays hauntingly in the background, creating a sense of paranoia. Making you feel as if maybe something isn't right here. That's why we have the detectives, though, as they try and figure out the disappearance of one of the patients here on Shutter Island, who happened to just vanish into thin air through locked doors and guarded corridors.

About a third of the movie is taken up by this search. I think this is a tad bit boring, but what gets you is the curiosity, that's what draws you in. It's a bit of a thriller with a bit of mystery dashed into it, which is done quite well. The dialogue sequences are ranging from awesome to “is that necessary?” Some of them even slow the movie down, making its flow and pace a bit humdrum. All during the investigation Leo seems to be snapping into flashbacks and having some really vivid dreams. I thought the dream sequences were the director trying to show us the psyche of a person. We've all had dreams that were vivid but a bit on the, well, weird side and these dreams are a bit like that.

Eventually the ol' cop opens up and you learn he jumped on this case to find his wife's killer. At this time there are even some signs pointing to conspiracy?! Egad Leo! Run! At least that's what some of the patients have been telling him. So yeah, the escapee is found and all is well. OH REALLY? Leo doesn't think so! So he continues to investigate before being shipped away on the ferry back to the mainland. Yeah, so they just found her like that, she was just a plot device. But for what? Que eerie music. The big break comes, though, during a terrible storm hitting the island. This storm knocks out the elictrical security unlocking the patients cells. This gives Leo a chance to sneak into the highly guarded C ward. Or, at least, you thought it was highly guarded, but he just waltzes in like it's nothing. Up comes my favorite part. The part where they are approaching the ward. They slowly walk through a darkened room with a flickering light. In the background, screams and cries from the violent prisoners being held inside echo through the halls, awesome stuff. So, Leo ends up playing some tag with one of the escaped patients and then he catches up to him only to start getting the shit beat out of him. I'm not sure the purpose of this and that whole scene seemed pointless, but Leo ends up turning the tables then choking the shit out of this dude. I think this was all to prove a point of how violent he really is, which he denies completely. He just wants some peace.

Now, the last half is the tying up of the plot, filling in your loose ends. Leo runs into someone that he supposedly knew in the past. The guy, who he thinks is his wife's killer, turns out not to be. He tells him that this is all just one big game and he needs to watch his back before getting hurt, or worse, taken to the dreaded lighthouse. This causes Leo to investigate and find the REAL woman who escaped. So, this place is fucking with him? She explains that they are cruel military men who are trying to find a way to control the human mind and they needed new brains. Apparently, anything Leo consumed while being there is a nerve agent, making him a ticking time bomb. Now our “hero” must finally find the truth! He goes all commando, blowing up cars, knocking the fuck out of guards, and going straight to the top. This is the twist, you ready? HE IS REALLY INSANE! At this point I kind of figured this out. This is the bad part about the asylum movies, this is the twist to expect and is kind of, well, cliche. So, Leo is really his wife's killer, the escaped woman wasn't real, and this whole cop/detective bullshit was an elaborate role-play to help Leo stop denying the truth. Still, the movie was pretty good, cliches included. I wouldn't go see it again because the mystery is over and that's really what was keeping my interest. Oh and also if you haven't seen the movie and read this you might as well go see something else, sorry!

Final score: 8/10

 

The Crazies Review

 

You ready to ruin some classics?

Congrats, Michael Bay. You rank up there with Uwe Boll. You two are like the shit stains of the movie world. You constantly find work, only to fuck up and tarnish beloved names. Bay is the lucky one who gets to fuck up all the horror classics. It's a scam, almost. They know you're going to see these remakes of classics we know and love, so that's at least going to garner some kind of movie sales. It just seems as if there is no love in these things. There is no love for the movie they direct. It's just a cluster fuck of whatever works. Any who, rant aside, let's continue.

The first thing wrong with this movie is seeing “PRODUCED BY MICHEAL BAY” at the beginning. Whoa, is it too fucking late to abort mission and get my money back? Knowing I had to review this for the loyal readers, I pressed on. First off, it shows the future outcome of the small town in the first frame of the movie. Why? That's like me showing Mufasa being killed in the first second of the Lion King. Then, it goes back two days earlier to peaceful Ogden Mills. This place is friendly! Everyone knows each other and there ain't no wrong doin' 'round these parts, boy. Until some asshole decides to waltz into a baseball game with a shotgun. The cops take for fucking ever to react. I can tell this is a very well run town. How I wish I could live in Michael Bayville! Any who, the dude, the lulzy town drunk, gets dropped for being a douche bag. Now, this peaceful town is getting stirred up and it looks as if there are more and more bizarre crimes happening.

Now, we start seeing a little explanation towards these strange crimes. Oh, did I mention there is some annoying ass big brother type thing going on in the background every now and then? Stupidddd. Apparently a huge ass military plane carrying a biological weapon (virus) crashed into their water supply and no one fucking noticed it. Even more stupid. Don't worry there are a lot of “durrrrrRRrrrR” moments in this movie. Well, now sheriff ramrod wants to shut down the drinking water, but mayor fat fuck wont let him. He's so crooked! This is all we'll see of him, so we can't really hate him. So, yeah this is when shit hits the fan and people start disappearing from Michael Bayville. It doesn't take long for the army to show up and wrangle up all the people like cattle. Sheriff Ramrods wife sets off the thermometer they're using to check people for infection, but the dumb bitch is simply pregnant. But, you know our dumb military. In fact they are so fucking dumb that this whole military quarantine is able to be thrown to a halt by a pick up truck full of red necks! WOW, WAY TO KEEP CONTROL! I know, movie, you need a way for all hell to break loose, but fuck, come on! A pickup truck?! You're telling me that the military in this movie, the same military with FUCKING FLAMETHROWERS AND MISSLE LADENED HELLICOPTERS IS BEING TERRORIZED BY A PICK UP TRUCK!?!?!!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sheriff Ramrod escapes and somehow saves his wife from this whole town full of blood thirsty monsters. Let's not go into too much detail, but there is a lot of walking and moral bullshit at this point. The movie had no clue what it wanted to be. Is it a horror movie? Is it a thriller? Is it a drama? Is it an action flick? No clue, but the whole of this movie didn't do a good job being any of those. At no point was I on the edge of my seat. At no point was my heart racing to know the outcome. I didn't even jump once! I felt no emotion towards this movie except “When the hell is it going to end?” It had some potential, I won't lie. There were a few eerie looking atmosphere scenes, but they were scarce. There was also very limited amount of time with the infected. This movie needed work. It needed a new director and a new producer. But, I'll hand it to the actors, they did well and it wasn't their fault the writing was shitty. So, The Crazies is a movie that just falls short. If you are bored, go see it matinee style, or just go see 28 days later and save a buck.

Final Score: 5/10

Book of Eli Review

I'm a soul man! Get it?!

Pros: Very cool story, great post apocolyptic theme, great protagonist. 

Cons: Closed minded folk may belittle this film, some of the acting was a bit bland, you need a lot of faith to believe some of what goes on.

I'm going to admit it, I love post apocalyptic themes. It ranks up there with zombies. I have no clue why, but I am totally anamored by them. Does this cause any bias? Possibly, but I think as long as you are open minded you'll agree this is a pretty awesome movie.

If any of you have played Fallout 3, it will seem all too familiar. There were scenes of dialogue where I just felt like I should be picking out what Eli was saying from below the screen. The movie did have a bit of an artsy feel to it, which kind of made me nervous because I couldn't sit through two hours of art film, sorry art kids.

Now, some of the actors could've been replaced, I think I could've done better! The cliches are pretty strong here, but pay a little homage to A Boy and His Dog in there. I think this might be a way for the director to poke fun at the cliches they're using. The action was pretty mediocre, but I'm glad they didn't jam constant action down my throat. Well played Eli, well played.

I don't want to spoil this little film for you, at all. Just go in with an open mind and you'll find a pretty pleasurable experience. Hell I would have even payed normal ticket prices to see this and I'm a cheap bastard. Just enjoy the badass Eli and the little adventure he takes you on. The ending is going to either shock you or piss you off, but at this point I was so immersed in the film that I didn't care.

Final Score: 9/10